There's No Such Thing As A Bully: When We Were Kids

Since I began writing There’s No Such Thing As A Bully, I’ve heard many very passionate and differing opinions. I’ve seen sides form—the bullied vs. the bullies, parents vs. educator and, of course, parent vs. parent.

Many have come forward with personal stories of how they were bullied as children. Many have offered advice, suggesting that kids just need to stand up for themselves or go to an authority figure, and some have told the victims to simply tough it out and stop being so sensitive. I’ve seen a lot of people roll their eyes and try to lay blame.

The discussions can be very emotional and difficult to watch.

Although any suggestions can be valid, depending on the situation, I’m concerned that we’re telling our children to apply some solutions that are simply out of date.

The world is very different today. Being a kid is very different.

When my son first came home complaining about being picked on, he was about 7 years old. He was devastated and we were truly saddened. But in the first few weeks, we just thought it was part of growing up. I sat down with my child, comforted him and told him to ignore “those boys.”

“Sometimes kids are like that,” I said.

I told him to stand up for himself, and I helped him practice some spiffy “comebacks.” After all, that’s what my husband and I did when we were kids, and we got through it.

But we quickly learned that it was no longer like “when we were kids,” and giving our son that kind of advice, and then acting like it was all fixed, was like putting a bandage on an infected wound. The bullying became a daily battle and was extremely brutal.

We tried to work with the administration in his elementary school. We demanded they focus on changing the behavior of the other child. But the actions of the school pretty much made things worse. I’m sure they had the best interest of the kids at heart, but at times, they seemed paralyzed or unprepared for the intensity of the problem.

It became obvious the only ones who could impact the behavior of the child accused of bullying were his parents—which in this case was unlikely. We had to focus on our son—improve his self-esteem, help him develop a strong sense of self and get him , which we did. And it worked—beautifully. I wholeheartedly encourage other parents to do the same. He did get stronger, and despite the fact the other child continued to try and break him, he’s doing great now. 

But our actions to help our son didn’t address the growing problem in the school. It didn’t mean the school was off the hook. We took action as the parents of a bullied child, but without the full cooperation of , the parents of the children being accused of bullying and the parents of any and all “bystanders,” these problems will continue and they’ll get worse.

In the month of January, one single high school in New York had 12 suicide attempts. Two children succeeded in ending their lives. 

As I’ve mentioned before, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention consider bullying a public health problem and 60 percent of all children who bully go on to have a criminal record before the age of 24. No matter from what “side” you look at those facts, they're not good.

The year after my son moved on into middle school, his former elementary school stepped up, recognized the problem was not an isolated incident and formed an anti-bullying committee. I volunteered to participate.

At least it was progress. Everyone in that room put aside their differences, stopped rolling their eyes and did their best to come up with new solutions—ones that could be applied to this generation—instead of dating ourselves by suggesting that kids simply “toughen up.”

It won’t be easy, but unless we all agree to get to the point, check our egos at the door and look at the bigger picture here, I’m concerned we’ll fail this generation, and I for one am just not willing to do that.

Taryn Grimes-Herbert is the author of the I’ve Got character-building book series for children, and was 2010’s Woman of Achievement in the Arts Honoree for Orange County, NY. Calling upon her professional acting experience on Broadway, film and television, she speaks out and takes her books into classrooms hoping to help kids build character, develop empathy and learn to create a positive future through creative dramatics activities.

For more information, visit:

http://www.ivegotbooks.net, Facebook or Twitter.