Happy Mondays: The Straight Poop

Remember, spring has to come sometime...and summer party invitations will diminish in direct proportion to how much 'stuff' you've left behind.

There are certain questions, that, although deeply disturbing, we know we'll have to broach eventually. Among them? Has this mole changed color since I last looked at it?

Or, 'Do I want to be buried or cremated?' And, 'Is it wise to discuss the second, right after the first?' Arguably the most harrowing of these existential questions?

How do I get my dog to poop in winter? And, 'What do I do once he has?'

As with most disquieting subjects, we'll probably do better taking this one a step at a time.

Meaning, you must first get your dog outdoors.

As you probably know, this is no simple task. There's the whining, the hiding, the bargaining. And this is just from you.

But your dog will do what he can to stay inside where it's warm. And no matter how far-fetched it seems, Fido will keep pointing to the bathroom and size up your reaction.

Stand your ground. Get the dog outside. Remember, you are bigger and stronger. Or smarter. Barring that, you've eliminated your options.

Once outside, you'll find that patience is essential when it comes to waiting for your dog to poop.

Perhaps the dog will run quickly up a snowbank.

Then, just as quickly, run off. With that look on his face like, "You're wrong. That doesn't feel anything like cotton."

Either that, or the dog will be so into the snow, that he'll spend the next hour using it to build a replica of the Pentagon. And will summarily forget to do his business.

Just remember to bundle up and hang in there. It's a test of wills and you have to win it. Otherwise, it will be that much easier for you to roll over the next time. Then, before you know it, your dog will be picking the walk times. And start insisting that you be the one who 'goes' outdoors.

Okay, now, assuming your dog has done his business, there are certain ethical questions regarding the disposal of said matter.

Ideally, you should have a plastic bag for bagging and tagging.

Still, wintertime provides a certain temptation to the dog walker that other seasons don't have. Resist them. Don't pretend to pick up your dog's business, while actually just covering it in snow.

Spring has to come sometime, Westchester dog-owners. This weekend, for Instance.

And your neighbors will eventually find out who that poop belongs to. Even if they have to shell out for a DNA testing kit to prove it. And summer party invitations will diminish in direct proportion to how much 'stuff' you've left behind.

So, do the right thing.

Walk up that frozen incline and pick up your dog's leavings.

Be jolly about it.

Make it seem like sport; not the evil, soul-killing task you know it to be. You will not only appear cool and stoic, but your dog will feel left out of this great game.

And he will want in. Then, with luck, eyes beaming, a spring in his step, he may just be the one who gets to carry it home.                           



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