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Stay-at-Home Dad: 50 Shades of Boring

One mans life of sexual confusion and misinterpretation.

around these days is 50 Shades of Grey. This salacious read takes an all-to-familiar character (think Bella Swan ) and places her in a series of Penthouse Forum style situations. Since the book became an unexpected sensation, there were not enough copies in print to keep up with the demand, so it now tops the NY Times Bestseller List via digital download.

This has proven to be a good thing for the publisher, as women seem to feel more comfortable with this type of coverless erotica as they get to hide behind the anonymity of their electronic devices. Joke is that Kindle and Nook sales are way up, and lube sales are way down.

As female readers fantasize about sadistic millionaires, it is amazing to see how the daily steamy suburban life of an average, overweight, balding househusband can be SO similar to some of the kinky exploits in the book…well sort of.

Most days start for me with a workout at the gym, and today isn’t any different. As I am going through my routine I notice a young blonde trainer who seems to be a new hire. After my first set I notice that she is eyeing me. I up the weight on the chest press machine, enough just to impress, and start my second set. I glance across the gym and she is staring at me, almost gazing through me.  She can’t be more than 25-years-old and is in phenomenal shape, but I know this look from my single days; she wants me. I start my third set of repetitions and close my eyes to concentrate. After I’m finished I open my eyes and she is standing right in front of me. There is a long pause and before I can say anything witty she asks, “Are you done hogging the machine?”

I get off the machine and wipe it down, I knew that she wanted me; she wanted me to get the hell off the apparatus!

I can only assume that a “lesser” man may have been hurt by this misunderstanding, but not me.  After spin class I need to get to the store to pick up some beef ribs for dinner. I’m still in my gym clothes, i.e. cycling shorts, but I happen to pass on my way home anyway, so I violate my own personal rule of wandering around town in super tight spandex. 

The meat counter there is well lit and they show off all their merchandise beautifully. While I was waiting for my turn with the butcher an attractive brunette mother wheeled her shopping cart up right next to me. Her child was sleeping peacefully, and she gave me a friendly smile. There was a moment of silence and then she came on to me with an obvious pickup line, “Wow, that meat looks fantastic.”  After another moment or two of this awkward silence, but before I could say anything, she asked me how long a pot roast should spend in the oven?  Oh, that meat…

Once again, some simple misdirection and even more misunderstanding quelled what could have been a tense sexual moment.  

I guess on second thought that my daily life isn’t that sexually charged. In reality the burbs can be pretty boring unless you are some sick deviant. I reckon these books are a good escape from the regularity of daily existence when intimacy is something that is your reward for cleaning out the garage.  

And as far as the kinky stuff goes, truth is that the last ménage a trios that I had was a wild night spent with Ben and Jerry.  

Brett Masterson April 26, 2012 at 07:26 PM
Hey Jack, Funny Stuff! Congrats on the 100th column!
Melissa April 26, 2012 at 09:54 PM
I'm so jealous Ben and Jerry is cheating on me! Thanks for making me laugh today! Great column - I enjoy it very much! Happy 100!
Lisa Gentes-Hunt (Editor) April 26, 2012 at 11:19 PM
Congrats on the 100th column, Jack!
Elizabeth April 27, 2012 at 01:03 PM
Very funny!!
Mary April 30, 2012 at 10:26 AM
I wonder if the author is one of the members of AshleyMadison.com. It seems that New City has ranked number 6 for people seeking extramarital affairs. Sounds like Mr. Miller would have welcomed one.
Vanessa May 04, 2012 at 03:27 AM
that was hysterical. thank you for giving me a chuckle before bedtime.

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