Stay-at-Home Dad: Election Day in Snoozedale

As I leave the Middle School gymnasium, I feel a little sad.  I just finished voting and the harsh realization that washes over me is quite sobering. 

What a boring place we live in.

The last excitement that we had on the ballot in Scarsdale was whether to spend a ridiculous amount of money to fix the Quaker Ridge School, or if we should spend an obscene amount of money to fix it.

There were really only two things to vote on this election. One was the school budget. It was a simple yes or no vote. "Yes" won. 

If "No" had won, then the school board would have had to submit a revised budget.  

This revised budget would most likely look just like the original proposal, except the zeros would have been replaced with smiley faces.  This surely would have guaranteed passage.

The other item on the ballot was for the election of members to the Board of Education. We know them as the school board.

As far as the candidates go, their sparkling personal descriptions read like the bios in The New York Times wedding announcements. What a hard decision...which wealthy white person should I vote for?  

I'm so jealous of people in other parts of the country who have a little more excitement on their ballots. It leads me to start fantasizing about adopting some new laws here in Scarsdale.  

Let's see if we can get gay marriage put on the ballot for November. It would definitely give a boost to the real estate market, and I'm sure that some fabulous new stores would open in some of the now-vacant spaces in Scarsdale's village center.

It wouldn't really even impact the schools too badly, except maybe an influx of adopted Asian girls, and more competitive auditions for the school musicals.

While we are proving how liberal we all are, let's also try to legalize marijuana here in Scarsdale. We can trademark some cool names like Heathcote Hemp, Quaker Ridge Stick, and Fox Meadow Haze.

We can grow it all here too, in Green Acres! (I would propose it change the neighborhood name to look like that; more marketable.) We could sell it at the new police station, when and if it's ever completed. Revenue from the sales could also help with the school budget, and this would be a boon to the local eateries.

Since I'm on a roll, let's also try to get legalized prostitution on the ballot. With some of the bankers around town still out of work, maybe its time for them to try their hand at the next logical career step: pimping.  

If these are too Gomorrah-like lets also throw some other quality-of-life items on the ballot.

I'd vote for a proposition that all village stores need to get deli-counter ticket dispensers.

I don't know what mystical force hangs over Scarsdale, but people here just cannot get in line. Grabbing a number might actually work, although I think that most local merchants purposefully don't have these machines for their own entertainment.  

Watching already competitive people fight over who was first never gets old.

While we are passing laws about lines, how about if you are on a cell phone then you are not in line. 

Also, at my gym people leave a bottle of water or a towel, then go off and work out for an hour. They then come back one-minute before a class starts to grab their stuff, and get in line, where they left it, at the front!

How about, if you are not in line, then you are NOT in line.

I know, that would just be ridiculous.

Jack Miller, local humorist and architect, writes a weekly Friday column, that features his observations on life in Scarsdale, the realities of the recession, and general musings from behind the apron strings as a new-to-homemaking dad.