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Stay-at-Home Dad: There Is No 'I' in Infidelity

It takes two to tango...

Let’s face it, there are people who cheat on their spouses, and if there weren’t, what kind of boring magazines would we have at the checkout stand? This kind of behavior has been around forever, and monogamy is something that seldom exists in the animal kingdom.  

Since I have been both a full-time commuter as well as a stay-at-home dad, I can illuminate you on some of the "where’s" and "how’s" that infidelity may creep into one’s life.  

First, it takes two to tango. Aside from feeling lecherous, someone has to actively be looking for a tryst, as these things never just fall into one's lap... no pun intended. So then, where does one go to find a willing partner? Films and television shows seem to imply that the grocery store is a great place to meet other cheaters. However, I shop all over Westchester County and can’t seem to get out of the grocery store fast enough. I don’t know if it’s just my luck, but the truth is that I always get to Trader Joe's right after the bus from the nursing home does. The only goodies that these people are looking for is in the sample line.

Maybe I should ask the guys from Fresh Direct if they are stealing all the action.

Another place long rumored about for cheating is the local gym. However, most women who go to the gym don’t want to get involved with the chubby middle-aged guys. Instead, they want their personal trainers. I don’t blame them. These guys are in great shape and even give post-workout stretching sessions that resemble late night programming on Cinemax.  

Since I spend most of my time within a 5-mile radius from my house, I seem to get turned off just by observing local women and the way that they misbehave.  Some stay-at-home moms get so removed from reality that nothing seems to please them. They belittle the butcher, the baker and anyone else who comes up short in their distorted view.

It’s okay for me not to please my wife, but I don’t think I could take the rejection of a stranger. That’s why most of the cheating that you hear about seems to occur in the cities. If you are a guy heading into New York or White Plains on a daily basis, there are willing liaisons everywhere.  Young ladies on the train, on the street and especially in your office building! It’s a variable smorgasbord of iniquity.  

Once again, you have to be actively looking for it, and I’m sure that there are some bankers putting on tie-dyed T-shirts and donning bandanas after work to see if they can pick up some Occupy Wall Street patchouli oil-wearing protester chicks.

I’ve never cheated on my wife.  Aside from the obvious fact that I love and respect her too much, I frankly just don’t have the time. My life is way too busy, and at the age of 40, whom am I going to even try to hook up with? Younger women are just too darn immature, and I can’t even begin to figure out how to search for common ground. No sweetie, the Black Eyed Peas didn’t write the lyrics to “I Had The Time Of My Life”.

Also, let’s just forget about older women as at this point in my life older women just remind me of Maude. And older women don’t want me either. They also want the gym trainer, even if he’s gay.

Most women my age don’t want guys like me either; my female contemporaries are all looking for the “Big Fish." They may have married their first husbands for love, but the next one will be for the private jet and Hamptons Beach house.  

Not that I find Westchester’s 40-somethings too attractive, either. Most of them are filled not only with Botox and Restylane, but also envy, hate and jealousy.

I do understand why some people cheat, but more importantly, I understand why I don’t. I have way too much to loose, and I wouldn’t just be cheating on my spouse, but on my kids too.

One thing is certain: I love my wife, but I’m not a big fan of her personal trainer!

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